is this adulthood?

thoughts on leaving college

it is odd to think that I am currently in my last semester of college. and though I can definitely feel some symptoms of seniorities welling up, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to stick things out alright until May.

one thing I've so far this semester, though, is this: the only way I will ever go to grad school is a) if someone really wants to pay me to go, or b) I cannot fathom moving on in life without having one. and let me tell you, both of those possibilities are extremely slim. this semester I feel that, since I'm enrolled in mostly senior level classes, I'm getting a taste of what grad school would be like... and honestly, it feels somewhat like I am teaching myself. I have been told by grad students in some of these classes that this is mostly the format of grad-level classes. out of five classes and fifteen credits, there are only two courses that I feel the teachers offer any real insight in... maybe one, actually. I am not used to taking classes that consist of massive amounts of preparatory reading, followed by long discussions in class about the reading and very minimal instruction or lecture. frankly, I feel like I could prepare my own course of study on every one of the subjects I'm learning about, if I so desired; and obviously, I wouldn't necessarily learn the same things that my instructors hope to teach me, but I would probably get a decent general understanding of whatever subject I decided to learn about. by the way, supposedly this whole "read 75 pages for one class period, then we'll talk about it for almost the whole class" thing is supposed to foster critical thinking, so I've heard. well whatever, I don't by it. you should be able to think critically by about mid to late freshman year, in my opinion... at my school, they make freshman take certain classes for this very reason. I would rather hear an interesting lecture and think on that than read one person's perspective in an article and have to fish around to find out what other people think about the subject.

I will say that this semester is helping me realize that I probably picked a really suitable major for myself. I feel silly sometimes when people ask what I'm studying, and I say, "Conservation Social Science;" and they say,  "huh... what's THAT?" and I have no succinct response... but there are very few other majors I know of that are so broad and diverse in their coursework. I have thought of majoring in a few different things, but it seems that most majors like English, history, art or science all revolve around a similar format and similar material. I have taken classes on management and planning, politics and policy, history, research methods, leadership concepts, ecology, plant identification, and others. I have always liked the idea of knowing a little bit about a lot of things, and though that isn't necessarily ideal academically, I am glad to be leaving college with a broad base of knowledge about many things instead of a specialized knowledge of one subject. I am taking a history class right now in which the professor recently said that if he somehow couldn't do history anymore, he would be out of luck because he doesn't know how to do anything else. (and he doesn't actually seem to know how to do history very well...) I am glad that my major is broad and within that, flexible as well.

anyway... I will be glad to leave college after this semester. every once in awhile I think to myself that it'd be kind of nice to remain a student, to not have to think about all my school loans for a little while longer, to just enjoy life and put off the whole 9-5 job thing... then I remember that if I stay around much longer, all I'll be doing is wasting time, reading articles that won't change my life instead of reading the Bible, wasting money, and pretty much wasting my life away; because when it comes down to it, even though I see education as fairly valuable, there are not many things that I hate more than being in school.

what is community?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28156838/?GT1=43001

please read the article above.

many people would love to explain to you what community within the family of God really means. the analogy of a body of Christ is frequently used as an explanation, but it is not often understood. if we examine the functioning of the early church, we see that they lived communally -- not just "in community," having a building that they came to once or twice a week, but daily gathering together, worshipping together and loving God and each other in one accord. this was not a matter of picking a congregation, but a matter of self-sacrifice. these early church believers did everything together -- their possessions were communal, their eating times were as well; the idea of community in the early church was much less of the religious extracurricular that seems to exist today; it was LIFE. "if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship one with another..." (1 John 1:7)

this news story of a man who has lost his family, those who are most precious and dear to him, spoke to my heart and I saw Jesus in it, even from just skimming the article title. I cried as I watched the video of him at a press conference. there are two main things I gleaned from this:

1. unlike so many today in our litigation-obsessed culture, this man did not blame the pilot, who was apparently safe and well after the crash. he even prayed that the pilot "would not suffer"... how often do we actually pray for the well being of those who hurt us (however unintentionally it might be)? the ability he has -- an ability that I will attribute to God, because nothing else makes sense -- to look past his own misfortune and hope for the comfort of someone who has devastated his hopes for the future is, to me, a pleasing aroma in the midst of the stench of hate that is so common in tragic, terrible circumstances like this. it is so much more common to see a person become venemous and hateful after the loss of a precious loved one (Cindy Sheehan, anybody?), much less a whole family. simply being forgiving of the pilot and respectful of the government speaks volumes to me, and hopefully to others as well.
2. the article documents a moment where the man is surrounded by his church family, and asks how he is supposed to go on without his family. I have to ask: what would you do if this were you? (I am asking myself this question, also.) I can tell you right now that were I married and my husband, mother-in-law and two children died, I would not want to have my current church's arms to fall back on. though I know there are wonderful, God-fearing people there, I do not trust them enough to ask, "what do I do now?" I wish that it were different. I wish that I felt like I knew much about any of them, but I don't. I have never been to my pastor's house, and the only reason I've had a real conversation with him is because I have been on the worship team. but the real contention point is that being nice and acknowledging God isn't what community is about. there has to be a bigger unifier than that, and I know nothing about people's relationships with God, and they know nothing of mine. of course, these things can be known in time, but would you even be willing to invest in it? wouldn't it be easier to go into hermit mode, get mad at God and everyone else, and decide that the world sucks and you want nothing to do with it? and while you're at it, wouldn't it be easier if you just decided that it hurts too much to love that much and lose people who are precious to you?

obviously I might be making assumptions here about this man's credibility as a believer, but I don't really think I am. I praise God for people who will buck the norm and let Jesus shine through them, because it doesn't happen too often, even in the Christian community.

and simultaneously, I continue praying for myself and those precious to me and for the church around the world, that we will have real community, hearts that are really like Jesus', and not resort to the world's standard of community. we are not a club that meets together every so often because we support a common cause. we experience life when we experience community as the early church did, and as Jesus intended it to exist. God help us in pursuit of that community; it is far too hard to come by, and far too underrated as well.

I read 2 Peter 1 today.

this semester has been one of my craziest in terms of work load for school, so much so that I have been incredibly inconsistent/bad about reading my Bible. I keep (kind of) trying to think of a good time to fit it in, but it never really works out.

for some reason the last couple mornings, I keep waking up somewhere between fifteen minutes and an hour before I need to wake up. some of it has been due to my roommate waking up and banging around a bit, but otherwise I don't know why it's happening. it's also not an "oh, I'm going to doze and go back to sleep" sort of deal; I'm pretty awake right when I wake up.

I initially was just going to waste time on the Internet the first time it happened, but I got a Holy Spirit nudge to read my Bible and pray a bit, so I did. it was awesome. so I think I'll keep doing it.

the funny thing is that a year ago I prayed pretty consistently for awhile that if God wanted me to wake up in the middle of the night and pray, that He would wake me up so I could. I also prayed all the time for dreams and visions from Him. both things happened.

I didn't really pray for God to wake me up earlier so I could read my Bible and pray, but if I would've, maybe I could've started this sooner. I won't beat myself up over it... but stuff like this is a good reminder that we don't necessarily ask God for the important things.

what kinds of things do I, and should I, ask God for?

do I ask for greater intimacy, but then not invest the time and effort (praying and reading... ) to knowing Him better and learning His voice? when I ask for greater intimacy, do I just generally wish for it but not ask God for the means to put it into practice? instead, do I waste time asking God to help me accomplish the menial school and work tasks that I have to do during the day? (not that these are completely irrelevant, but I don't think they will be the things God focuses on when we get to heaven.)

and maybe if I just spent more time with Him, I wouldn't have so many freak-out I-have-way-too-much-stress-in-my-life moments, because I would know His peace better, trust Him more, and worry much, much less about trivial things that don't have much, if any, eternal value.

hmm.

in all seriousness

I don't understand the idea these days that numbers are an appropriate estimation for how much God is working in a ministry or church or whatever.

I would rather be part of a ten person group of people who are totally sold out for Jesus, Spirit-filled and hungry for Him, than 100 people dubbed Christians who gather together to "enjoy" worship, a "good" sermon and then leave feeling like they've gotten their tally mark for the week while simultaneously living a lifestyle they've always been happy with and never changing into who God calls them to be.

what is the mark of an authentic church? to me, it is a place where the Spirit of God is present. and if the Spirit of God is present, we need no fluff. we don't need dramatic presentations to reinforce the point, we don't need messages filled with thoughts other than God's (tons of quotes from philosophers or random "wise" people or even theologians). we don't need truisms (seemingly true ideas that are propogated in church or in Christian theology that don't actually have a Biblical basis).

I'm not quite hitting the mark here, but anymore the thought of "having church" motivated by compulsory actions or a sense of obligation just makes me sick. it used to simply annoy me when I could tell that a show was being put on and that there was performance mentality behind what a church or an individual was doing. but if it is a show, then it is NOT of God. and if it is not of God, then I really think it might be of the devil. I'm serious. there are a lot of people running around in all kinds of denominations doing all kinds of things "for God" who probably aren't really listening very closely. and it's not just a bad habit. it's scary.

I've been listening to a lot of Art Katz and Paul Washer lately and discussing it w/ my boyfriend, so if you think I'm totally off-base and want to hear someone talk coherently about what I'm saying, I recommend them.